October 12, 2015

Schools Change Football name to ‘BrownSkins’ after Redskins ban

Arfuld Reinberger, Yahoo! News

California Governor Jerry Brown signed into law a ban that prohibits California schools from using the name ‘Redskins’ as their team mascot. The change goes into effect on Jan. 1, 2017. This brought excitement and relief to some in the Native American community who have suffered emotionally and hypothetically from the Redskins mascot.

“I’m ecstatic that we can now move on from this racist sports name. It’s about time,” said Running Raccoon of the Whinywhiny tribe. Sitting with fellow tribe members at a local bar in Paso Robles, Raccoon continued to celebrate and bought ‘firewater’ shots for everyone.

In response to the new law, many of the school football teams have decided to change their name to ‘BrownSkins.’ Gloria Chavez, the Superintendent of L.A. County Schools, celebrated the law and changed a local school football name to honor Gov. Brown. “We’re so proud that Gov. Brown has taken us beyond early-20th Century racist sports names, and in honor of this we're changing the affected schools’ mascots to the BrownSkins,” Chavez said.  

May 5, 2015

GOP Candidates Sign Pledge to ‘Americanize’ Minorities

 Herval Ruckisberg, CNN

As the 2016 election kicks into gear, the GOP field is working rigorously to gain support from minorities. This week, all the official candidates started on the ‘Adapt or Go Home’ speaking tour, after signing a pledge to ‘Americanize’ minorities if elected President:

·        Ted Cruz spoke at the annual Asian-American Summit in Cupertino, CA: “You all have done an excellent job with assembling the iPhone 6; every time I look at mine I’m grateful for your work ethic and discipline. Now, when you in grocery store, you go so fast and cut in line - but when you on the road, why you drive so slow?” He then continued describing how his Canadian family successfully integrated into American culture.

·        Marco Rubio was a guest at the San Antonio Cinco de Mayo parade, and spoke on one of the floats that paraded on San Pedro Ave: “Mexicans are hard-working folks..extremely family-oriented. But haven’t you got the memo on over-population? I’m Cuban, and even we believe in birth control. Also, please turn down your mariachi music.”

·        Mike Huckabee addressed the Order of Ahepa in Belmont, CA during their annual Greek Festival: “You Greeks are strong, successful, and make the best lamb and cheese stuff I’ve ever had. But you’re so prideful, always talking about your ancestry. Sure, the Spartans were tough warriors, but they were also bisexual sociopaths…do you take pride in that? Anyway, Opa! Opa!”

·        Rand Paul was a featured speaker at the Punjabi Association in Seattle: “Indians are smart, determined, and contribute immensely to our nation’s tech infrastructure. But, here in U.S.A. we have price tags for a reason, you should keep the price haggling back in Bombay, or your local flea market. I’m 1/89th Indian, so I understand and relate to your culture - but there is absolutely room for improvement, and deodorant. By the way I love curry!”

When asked how they intend to ‘Americanize’ minorities if elected, the candidates didn’t provide specifics, but said that deportation/detention for those who don’t adapt might be a viable option.