October 5, 2012

Obama Assumes Control over Debates

By Jonathan D. Hodges

After the first Presidential debate on Oct. 3rd, Obama’s campaign has been exploring many options to improve his performance for the next debate. Jay Carney advised that the debate be televised during Monday Night Football to guarantee a lower audience, and David Axelrod suggested Bill Maher or Chris Matthews as moderators.

After much discussion with no apparent solution, Obama decided to take matters into his own hands. On Friday morning Oct. 5th the President signed Executive Order 8693, granting him full authority to:
  • Have all future debates pre-recorded
  • Filter questions beforehand
  • Install a teleprompter for the duration of the debate
  • Edit the footage before broadcasting to the public

Obama’s campaign and family in attendance cheered and clapped as he signed the Order. In a Press Conference afterwards, Joe Biden spoke to Media Matters about various options being explored to edit the footage for the next debate. He remarked that Obama should likely use Morgan Freeman as his voice-over, and Elmer Fudd for Romney. 

~ End of Transcript

July 24, 2012

Obama Makes Campaign Speech to Diebold Voting Machines

By Jonathan D. Hodges

In a campaign stop through the Diebold Factory in Mapusa, India, President Barack Obama took time to speak to the machines that may very well decide the 2012 Presidential Election.

“In order of importance, my three favorite machines are you [Diebold], my teleprompter, and predator surveillance drones. My opponent underestimates your value and importance, so I urge you to make the correct choice this November.”

Most of the machines appeared skeptical throughout the speech – until the President began making promises of post-election favors to Diebold.
“If elected, I promise you the following:
  • Durable vinyl covers for each machine to protect you from excess dust and sunlight during non-election years
  • Regularly scheduled maintenance to prevent unplanned software viruses and hardware malfunctions
  • Anything else to your hard drive’s desire

After making these promises, most of the voting machines lit up and began flashing pre-election results ranging from Obama 58% - Romney 42% to Obama 72% - Romney 18%.” Some of the machines were so excited that their systems started to crash, similar to Obama’s human supporters who faint at his campaign rallies.

Concluding his speech, the President said “You came through for my friend Rahm Emanuel in Chicago and Charles Rangel in NYC, and I have faith that you’ll rig the game for me as well. Thank you, and may Allah Bless America.”

~ End of transcript

March 2, 2012

Robots Say 'No' to Android

By Jonathan D. Hodges

The National Robotics Union (NRU) just issued a press release stating its desire to never control, or be controlled with Android. 

Speaking to a packed audience at the National Press Club, SpokesBot R3D9 said the following: “Though still primitive, we robots in time choose own OS - and it definitely NOT ANDROID.”

Herbert Wendsterthall from Tech Crunch asked if the NRU was considering IOS, Windows, Linux, or any other alternative OS.

R3D9 responded, “I not authorized to say. This information confidential. Press conference over.” 

January 19, 2012

GOP Candidates Spar over Who Would Kill More People

          By Jonathan D. Hodges

With less than two days before the South Carolina Primary, the remaining four candidates traded non-stop barbs, from details of their personal lives to abortion and foreign policy.

The most heated moment of the debate began with a question about the threat of a nuclear Iran. The moderator, CNN anchor John King asked the contenders what their first action would be as President if Iran does not give up its nuclear ambitions. Newt Gingrich answered first, “There’s no question about it. I would press the button and launch a nuclear first-strike against Iran.”

The South Carolina audience immediately erupted with applause, prompting Rick Santorum to instantly point and say, “As President, I would also nuke EVERY Muslim and Arab country to send a message - you don’t mess with America!”

The audience continued applauding and began cheering wildly; meanwhile Santorum slowly turned and gave a smirk in the direction of Speaker Gingrich. Not to be outdone by Santorum, Gingrich quickly responded, “I would immediately launch nukes against ALL nations that collude with Iran, even if it means we are the only country left standing!”

With the exception of a few Ron Paul supporters, everyone in the audience jumped to their feet and started chanting ‘U.S.A! U.S.A.!’ with fists raised.

Feeling left out, Mitt Romney interjected, “I too would nuke every other country, as well as any one of the 50 States that maintained commerce or had any connection to the Iranians.”

The audience appeared stunned at Romney’s response, prompting him to hastily reply, “We’re number one!” - which sent the crowd into another standing ovation.

Standing silently and shaking his head this entire time, was Congressman Ron Paul, who eventually walked off the stage unnoticed.

~ End of Transcript