November 21, 2010
The global war on terror has taken an unexpected turn in light of security crackdowns implemented by the TSA at airports nationwide. The CIA, NSA and DHS have all confirmed the interception of intelligence reports that Al Qaeda’s next target is the National Football league (NFL).
“I have personally seen the secret messages that were leaked to our intelligence agencies, and they clearly state that Al Qaeda has stepped up its efforts to disrupt Professional Football and threaten NFL athletes” said Janet Napolitano during a press conference in Boston.
Napolitano also claims that the letters were sent by Machmud Al-Falaki, who is fifty-fifth in command to Osama Bin Laden. “We will not allow Al Qaeda the opportunity to carry out attacks against our athletes - we must stay ahead of them because this threat is very real.”
Napolitano further explained her involvement in the security process. “We have heard complaints from travelers about inhumane and degrading treatment by unqualified screeners; therefore, as the most qualified bureaucrat in Washington, I feel that it is my duty to ensure these safety procedures are followed to the letter.”
Kurt Warner of ESPN asked Napolitano why she would be assuming the role of a screener, instead of attending to her regular duties as DHS secretary. “I will do whatever it takes to keep these NFL players safe, and nothing is off the table to ensure their security” she replied.
Will Howser of FOX Sports also asked her if any specific players had been targeted. “Yes, certain athletes were mentioned by name in the emails from Al Falaki, specifically Tom Brady, Drew Brees and a few other handsome quarterbacks. Al Falaki made no mention of the offensive lineman or linebackers, so they will be exempt from my pat-downs.”
In related news, TSA director John Pistole has received a letter from another top-ranking Al Qaeda official, which claims that terrorists will also begin targeting Adult film studios.
~ End of Transcript