September 29, 2008

Paulson & Bernanke Lose $2.5B in Vegas, and Propose Federal Bailout

UDDEL JINKET
Unassociated Press


- U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and FED Chairman Ben Bernanke recently escaped from the arduous Congressional hearings concerning the economic crisis. Over the previous two weeks, both Paulson and Bernanke pleaded for Congress to bailout Wall Street, which included Paulson's former employer Goldman Sachs. Temporarily borrowing Air Force One, they took off for Las Vegas.

Racking up over $2.5B in debt, Paulson & Bernanke spent the weekend drinking, gambling, and touring the Hoover Dam. One witness reported that Bernanke came stumbling out of the Bellagio and threw over $5M in the courtyard fountain, for good luck. The witness asked Bernanke how he got all the money, and he replied, "Hey, I'm the only guy in America who can print as much cash as I want, ha!" He then proceeded to play 62 losing games of Blackjack at the Gold Nugget.

Paulson reportedly ordered $500M worth of drinks at Caesar's Palace for himself, and all the Hotel guests. Unable to make up his mind about which entrees to order from the Restaurant, Paulson said "I'll order everything on the menu, the taxpayers could afford it." After having too much Heineken, he then disguised himself as a member of the Blue Man Group, and began using all of his tableware as musical instruments.

Arriving back in Washington, Paulson and Bernanke pleaded with Congress to request that $2.5B be added to the $700 billion bailout plan for Wall Street. They claimed that if the bill didn't pass, they would not be safe from the current economic recession. Their Congressional testimony lasted only 20 minutes as a result of their hangovers.


~ End of Transcript

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