September 29, 2008

Paulson & Bernanke Lose $2.5B in Vegas, and Propose Federal Bailout

UDDEL JINKET
Unassociated Press


- U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and FED Chairman Ben Bernanke recently escaped from the arduous Congressional hearings concerning the economic crisis. Over the previous two weeks, both Paulson and Bernanke pleaded for Congress to bailout Wall Street, which included Paulson's former employer Goldman Sachs. Temporarily borrowing Air Force One, they took off for Las Vegas.

Racking up over $2.5B in debt, Paulson & Bernanke spent the weekend drinking, gambling, and touring the Hoover Dam. One witness reported that Bernanke came stumbling out of the Bellagio and threw over $5M in the courtyard fountain, for good luck. The witness asked Bernanke how he got all the money, and he replied, "Hey, I'm the only guy in America who can print as much cash as I want, ha!" He then proceeded to play 62 losing games of Blackjack at the Gold Nugget.

Paulson reportedly ordered $500M worth of drinks at Caesar's Palace for himself, and all the Hotel guests. Unable to make up his mind about which entrees to order from the Restaurant, Paulson said "I'll order everything on the menu, the taxpayers could afford it." After having too much Heineken, he then disguised himself as a member of the Blue Man Group, and began using all of his tableware as musical instruments.

Arriving back in Washington, Paulson and Bernanke pleaded with Congress to request that $2.5B be added to the $700 billion bailout plan for Wall Street. They claimed that if the bill didn't pass, they would not be safe from the current economic recession. Their Congressional testimony lasted only 20 minutes as a result of their hangovers.


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September 13, 2008

Pres. Bush Marks His 1,000th Day of Vacation since Taking Office

ALEX WINRMIGEN
Unassociated Press

- With over 300 friends, family and dignitaries in attendance at his Crawford Ranch, President Bush celebrated his 1,000th day of vacation. Fireworks and patriotic music lit up the atmosphere as the festivities began - marking the highest number of vacation days ever taken by a U.S. President.

"I am so proud that he is my president, who else in history has done so much with so little time on the job?" said Rush Limbaugh, the Master of Ceremonies. The event kicked off with the introduction of various speakers who had nothing but praise and admiration for Bush and his record as the 43rd President.

"No other President, be he Republican or Democrat has courageously lead this nation into the largest national debt in the history of the world!" remarked Bill Kristol, editor of Weekly Standard. Sean Hannity of FOX News followed by saying, "This heroic leader is worthy of another 1,000 vacation days because of his resilience in protecting us from those Iraqi sheepherders and Afghan rug-makers." The audience stood and applauded as Pres. Bush shed two tears.
Lastly, Bush concluded his much anticipated speech by saying, "I am excruciatingly underjoyed at the goodness you have bestowed me today. No sitting U.S. President, from King George the III to Bill Clinton, has ever been the recipient of such kindness and generology. Thank you very much America."
When asked by a reporter if anything further was planned to commemorate this event, Bush replied, "I don't know, maybe we'll bomb Iran - or invade Finland. I've always wanted to do that."



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