October 12, 2015

Schools Change Football name to ‘BrownSkins’ after Redskins ban

Arfuld Reinberger, Yahoo! News

California Governor Jerry Brown signed into law a ban that prohibits California schools from using the name ‘Redskins’ as their team mascot. The change goes into effect on Jan. 1, 2017. This brought excitement and relief to some in the Native American community who have suffered emotionally and hypothetically from the Redskins mascot.

“I’m ecstatic that we can now move on from this racist sports name. It’s about time,” said Running Raccoon of the Whinywhiny tribe. Sitting with fellow tribe members at a local bar in Paso Robles, Raccoon continued to celebrate and bought ‘firewater’ shots for everyone.

In response to the new law, many of the school football teams have decided to change their name to ‘BrownSkins.’ Gloria Chavez, the Superintendent of L.A. County Schools, celebrated the law and changed a local school football name to honor Gov. Brown. “We’re so proud that Gov. Brown has taken us beyond early-20th Century racist sports names, and in honor of this we're changing the affected schools’ mascots to the BrownSkins,” Chavez said.  

May 5, 2015

GOP Candidates Sign Pledge to ‘Americanize’ Minorities

 Herval Ruckisberg, CNN

As the 2016 election kicks into gear, the GOP field is working rigorously to gain support from minorities. This week, all the official candidates started on the ‘Adapt or Go Home’ speaking tour, after signing a pledge to ‘Americanize’ minorities if elected President:

·        Ted Cruz spoke at the annual Asian-American Summit in Cupertino, CA: “You all have done an excellent job with assembling the iPhone 6; every time I look at mine I’m grateful for your work ethic and discipline. Now, when you in grocery store, you go so fast and cut in line - but when you on the road, why you drive so slow?” He then continued describing how his Canadian family successfully integrated into American culture.

·        Marco Rubio was a guest at the San Antonio Cinco de Mayo parade, and spoke on one of the floats that paraded on San Pedro Ave: “Mexicans are hard-working folks..extremely family-oriented. But haven’t you got the memo on over-population? I’m Cuban, and even we believe in birth control. Also, please turn down your mariachi music.”

·        Mike Huckabee addressed the Order of Ahepa in Belmont, CA during their annual Greek Festival: “You Greeks are strong, successful, and make the best lamb and cheese stuff I’ve ever had. But you’re so prideful, always talking about your ancestry. Sure, the Spartans were tough warriors, but they were also bisexual sociopaths…do you take pride in that? Anyway, Opa! Opa!”

·        Rand Paul was a featured speaker at the Punjabi Association in Seattle: “Indians are smart, determined, and contribute immensely to our nation’s tech infrastructure. But, here in U.S.A. we have price tags for a reason, you should keep the price haggling back in Bombay, or your local flea market. I’m 1/89th Indian, so I understand and relate to your culture - but there is absolutely room for improvement, and deodorant. By the way I love curry!”

When asked how they intend to ‘Americanize’ minorities if elected, the candidates didn’t provide specifics, but said that deportation/detention for those who don’t adapt might be a viable option.

October 9, 2013

Obama Evicted from White House due to Shutdown

By Jonathan D. Hodges

Staring outside the single pane window of his Motel 6 room, President Obama mutters a few curse words about the Republican leadership. He then quickly apologizes to his daughters, “I’m sorry you had to hear that from me girls, and I’m even more sorry about the GOP forcing us into this place.” 

As the microwave timer goes off, Obama violently shakes his hand after pulling out four hot pockets. After the family dinner, Obama spoke to the press about how enduring this situation made him even more grateful for the sacrifices of our armed forces. “Living comfortably in the White House almost made me forget about the living conditions of our brave men and women. While they’re staying in one star motels across continents, I feel that I could totally relate to their circumstance after staying here.”

As he continued speaking to the media outside, Michelle Obama was heard screaming at the motel clerk about the small size of the Motel 6 gym: “What do you take me for? There should be a free spinning class AND yoga instructors on-site, do you hear me?!!”

Unable to restrain her from breaking flower pots in the lobby, Secret Service agents took shelter outside, along with the President. Obama then slowly turned to the media and said, “I wish I had my teleprompter, otherwise I don’t know what to say to calm her down.”

~ End of Transcript

October 5, 2012

Obama Assumes Control over Debates

By Jonathan D. Hodges

After the first Presidential debate on Oct. 3rd, Obama’s campaign has been exploring many options to improve his performance for the next debate. Jay Carney advised that the debate be televised during Monday Night Football to guarantee a lower audience, and David Axelrod suggested Bill Maher or Chris Matthews as moderators.

After much discussion with no apparent solution, Obama decided to take matters into his own hands. On Friday morning Oct. 5th the President signed Executive Order 8693, granting him full authority to:
  • Have all future debates pre-recorded
  • Filter questions beforehand
  • Install a teleprompter for the duration of the debate
  • Edit the footage before broadcasting to the public

Obama’s campaign and family in attendance cheered and clapped as he signed the Order. In a Press Conference afterwards, Joe Biden spoke to Media Matters about various options being explored to edit the footage for the next debate. He remarked that Obama should likely use Morgan Freeman as his voice-over, and Elmer Fudd for Romney. 

~ End of Transcript

July 24, 2012

Obama Makes Campaign Speech to Diebold Voting Machines

By Jonathan D. Hodges

In a campaign stop through the Diebold Factory in Mapusa, India, President Barack Obama took time to speak to the machines that may very well decide the 2012 Presidential Election.

“In order of importance, my three favorite machines are you [Diebold], my teleprompter, and predator surveillance drones. My opponent underestimates your value and importance, so I urge you to make the correct choice this November.”

Most of the machines appeared skeptical throughout the speech – until the President began making promises of post-election favors to Diebold.
“If elected, I promise you the following:
  • Durable vinyl covers for each machine to protect you from excess dust and sunlight during non-election years
  • Regularly scheduled maintenance to prevent unplanned software viruses and hardware malfunctions
  • Anything else to your hard drive’s desire

After making these promises, most of the voting machines lit up and began flashing pre-election results ranging from Obama 58% - Romney 42% to Obama 72% - Romney 18%.” Some of the machines were so excited that their systems started to crash, similar to Obama’s human supporters who faint at his campaign rallies.

Concluding his speech, the President said “You came through for my friend Rahm Emanuel in Chicago and Charles Rangel in NYC, and I have faith that you’ll rig the game for me as well. Thank you, and may Allah Bless America.”

~ End of transcript

March 2, 2012

Robots Say 'No' to Android

By Jonathan D. Hodges

The National Robotics Union (NRU) just issued a press release stating its desire to never control, or be controlled with Android. 

Speaking to a packed audience at the National Press Club, SpokesBot R3D9 said the following: “Though still primitive, we robots in time choose own OS - and it definitely NOT ANDROID.”

Herbert Wendsterthall from Tech Crunch asked if the NRU was considering IOS, Windows, Linux, or any other alternative OS.

R3D9 responded, “I not authorized to say. This information confidential. Press conference over.” 

January 19, 2012

GOP Candidates Spar over Who Would Kill More People

          By Jonathan D. Hodges

With less than two days before the South Carolina Primary, the remaining four candidates traded non-stop barbs, from details of their personal lives to abortion and foreign policy.

The most heated moment of the debate began with a question about the threat of a nuclear Iran. The moderator, CNN anchor John King asked the contenders what their first action would be as President if Iran does not give up its nuclear ambitions. Newt Gingrich answered first, “There’s no question about it. I would press the button and launch a nuclear first-strike against Iran.”

The South Carolina audience immediately erupted with applause, prompting Rick Santorum to instantly point and say, “As President, I would also nuke EVERY Muslim and Arab country to send a message - you don’t mess with America!”

The audience continued applauding and began cheering wildly; meanwhile Santorum slowly turned and gave a smirk in the direction of Speaker Gingrich. Not to be outdone by Santorum, Gingrich quickly responded, “I would immediately launch nukes against ALL nations that collude with Iran, even if it means we are the only country left standing!”

With the exception of a few Ron Paul supporters, everyone in the audience jumped to their feet and started chanting ‘U.S.A! U.S.A.!’ with fists raised.

Feeling left out, Mitt Romney interjected, “I too would nuke every other country, as well as any one of the 50 States that maintained commerce or had any connection to the Iranians.”

The audience appeared stunned at Romney’s response, prompting him to hastily reply, “We’re number one!” - which sent the crowd into another standing ovation.

Standing silently and shaking his head this entire time, was Congressman Ron Paul, who eventually walked off the stage unnoticed.

~ End of Transcript

December 28, 2011

Hannity Attacks Ron Paul over his Facebook Connections

By Jonathan Hodges

With the Iowa Caucuses approaching soon and Ron Paul rising in the polls, the attacks continue to mount against the Texas Congressman from both his rivals and the media.

Newt Gingrich recently derided Ron Paul supporters as “indecent” and said he would prefer Obama over Paul.

The latest attack from the press comes via FOX News host Sean Hannity, during a recent interview with Dr. Paul. Below is an excerpt from the Dec. 29th interview on the Sean Hannity Show.

Hannity: Congressman, I did some digging into your connections and found something I didn’t like.

Paul: Really?

Hannity: Yes. I viewed the profiles of some of your Facebook fans, and was shocked, horrified to see the kind of people whom you associate with.

Paul: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Hannity: Well let me give you an idea. Hank Rommel - does that ring a bell Dr. Paul?

Paul: No.

Hannity: He’s been a Facebook fan of yours for nearly two years, and was recently convicted of armed robbery in Tallahassee, Florida. What do you have to say for yourself Congressman?

Paul: Well, I didn’t know him personally nor ever heard of –

Hannity: Excuse me, you should have known about this Congressman. This is serious business. The American people deserve to know the type people whom you associate with.

Paul: I’ve got nearly 664,000 fans on Facebook, and you expect me to do a background check on each one of them?

Hannity: No Congressman, that would be impossible. I just think that you haven’t done a good enough job in distancing yourself from Hank Rommel the robber, and the American people deserve a better explanation than what you’ve given them so far.

Paul: Goodbye Sean.

Hannity: What? Don’t leave Congressman. Well, I guess he couldn’t handle the heat. He’s always complaining about a lack of media coverage, and now he storms off the set. I don’t get it.

~ End of transcript   

July 25, 2011

CA. Senators Introduce S.B.672 to Impose Gun Control in Video Games

By Jonathan Hodges

In light of the escalating gun violence across the U.S., two Senators are placing blame on the video game industry for its lack of 'gun control in gaming.' In addition, Senators Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein claim that the killing of innocent people in video games is both "inhumane and unconstitutional" during a joint press conference in Sacramento today.

"We cannot stand idly by and watch thousands, perhaps MILLIONS of innocent video game characters DIE just for the thrill of it!" said Sen. Boxer. Concerning firearms, Sen. Feinstein said "The reckless and UNREGULATED use of firearms in gaming is producing a generation of murderers - and we need mandatory gun safety in all video games just as we do in the REAL WORLD!"

S.B.672, called the 'Let's Save our Children and Video Game Characters Act' - would mandate the following:
  • 30 day waiting period for each character to possess a firearm
  • 1 gun per month limit, including both long guns and hand guns
  • Federal and State background check for each game character - to be paid for by the gamer
  • Removal of all illegal weapons from video games, such as automatics and sawed-off shotguns
  • A 10 round magazine capacity limit per firearm, with no modifications allowed
  • No character will fire unless first fired upon
  • All body armor is strictly prohibited 
  • All 'game crimes' will be heard in a newly created Judicial System called 'Gamer's Court'
"The other day I saw some children playing a demo of Fallout 3 in Best Buy, and I was HORRIFIED at the carnage and devastation that firearms brought to that VIDEO game" said Sen. Boxer. Also, she elaborated on the issue of characters rights: "How would you like to be standing on the sidewalk during a beautiful afternoon, only to be run over by a crazed driver? Well, that happens EVERY day in Grand Theft Auto."

The bill faces stiff opposition from Senate Republicans, such as Rand Paul of Kentucky who called it a "Rag of illusory solutions perpetrated by a gang of two cackling hens from San Francisco."

Before the 2012 election, both Senators also plan to introduce the E.I.G.N. Act (Equality In Gaming Now) to give equal representation within every video game to gays, lesbians and transsexuals.

~ End of Transcript

June 16, 2011

Louis XXXVVII Claims the French Throne; Demands that Sarcozy Resign

Francois Genthenbuber
Unassociated Press

Amidst the tumultuous political and economic climate that is engulfing Europe, another power struggle is underway. “This is my birthright and my calling, it belongs to me and so it must be!” shouted a defiant Louis the XXXVVII.

Speaking to a dedicated group of followers at the annual Renaissance faire in Marseille, his supporters cheered wildly as he spoke about resurrecting lost pillars of French culture.

“My great-great-great-great grandfathers would quiver in disbelief to witness the agony and treachery which has befallen our land. By reinstating me to the throne, I will reverse the horrific nightmare which now plagues our country.” Mr. Louis XXXVVII then proceeded to read aloud his five-point plan that he would implement as King:

1) All government officials are to wear wigs, as was custom throughout 18th century France

2) Every female member of Parliament is to be expelled immediately

3) All migrants, including those with no French ancestry are to become indentured servants of the State (excluding tourists)

4) Full and immediate withdrawal from the European Union, and dissolution of the Euro as accepted currency

5) Full and complete control of all domestic and foreign affairs is granted to the King

Louis XXXVVII then called upon French President Nicolas Sarcozy to immediately abdicate his position, and for Parliamentary powers to be revoked and reduced to mere advisory roles.

After issuing his demands, he then led his followers to the top of Eifel Tower, where they chanted ‘Viva la France’ for 45 minutes.

~ End of Transcript

April 21, 2011

March 27, 2011

ACLU Sues the Animal Kingdom for Discrimination against Gay Animals

Rupert Wekler

Unassociated Press

In a lawsuit which names ‘Mother Nature’ as a defendant, the American Civil Liberties Union charges that the animal kingdom is purposely discriminating against homosexuality.

“Generation after generation, the animal kingdom continually teaches its offspring that heterosexuality is the only choice...we believe that they should learn alternative lifestyles, just like children in schools today” said ACLU Chief Counsel, Hermin Werzberg.

The suit also claims ‘Nearly every species perpetuates an environment that is hostile to creatures who suffer with gender identity.”

President Barack Obama has not taken a side with the plantiffs or the animal kingdom, and instead advocated the need for ‘social acceptance’ while vacationing in the Bahamas. Talk Radio host Lush Rimbaugh denounced the lawsuit: “With this country facing a $17,000 budget deficit and unemployment at 5.3%, we should not be focused on this non-issue.”

The Center for Family Values (CFV) filed a friend of the court brief to support the defendants, with CFV President Randall Smythe saying, “If it ain’t broken don’t fix it. Why try to change the laws of nature after they’ve been set for millions of years?"

The case also has strong support in Sacramento, with state senator Mark Leno (D-San Francisco) leading the effort to also pass a bill which would require pet owners to educate their pets about alternative lifestyles. When asked why he is supporting the case, Leno replied “I once had a male hamster named Lewis, and Lewis was rejected by his female counterparts - because I know he was gay and never had any support amongst the animal community..how many other gay creatures are out there, and afraid to come out of the closet?”

The case was filed with the Federal District Court in San Francisco, with Judge Vaughn Walker presiding.

~ End of Transcript

March 2, 2011

Congressman Proposes 'Youtube Viewer Equality' bill after his On-line Speech receives 'one' View

Boliver Dorth
Unassociated Press

“Today is a monumental day for internet viewership equality" said Missouri Congressman Lacy Clay during a fiery speech before the House.

He has authored a bill called the ‘Youtube Viewership Equality Decree (YVED)' which would mandate that Youtube, and all other video sharing sites allocate a fixed amount of views to each submitted video.

Mr. clay also said “It is discriminatory to favor one video over another. I do not know who that ‘one’ viewer is who saw my speech, but whomever it is - he must be very offended to know that he is all alone.”

The speech to which he refers is one that he gave Feb. 22 on the House floor, where he derided Economist/Historian Thomas DiLorenzo, and mocked Austrian economics. When asked by reporters how many views his video should receive, he replied “Whatever Justin Bieber gets, I oughta get.”

The bill also has bi-partisan support from Republicans such as Rep. Eric Cantor - whose Youtube response to the State of the Union has received 11 views so far.

~ End of Transcript